Uncomfortably Numb

It’s back. Do you remember?

I’m sitting here staring at my screen trying to get inspired, trying to write letters telling people how great I could be and yet the words aren’t flowing.

Instead there is a replay loop in my head of all the deportation stories I hear and I sit here frozen and afraid. The ‘what ifs’ are incredibly loud and having been on the receiving end of a classic Heathrow grilling, are some what amplified.

I know I’ve got to keep pushing through, but it feels so hard and I feel so very alone.

I promised I would tell you if it was coming back. Well, here I am telling you that I feel darkness all around me. It’s been growing for a couple of months now and every day the sky keeps falling. I want so very badly to go home to London, but I feel so numb that I’ve only got myself to blame if I can’t get through. Can you see the loop?

Don’t yell at me in frustration or tell me to chin up. It’s not helping. But I don’t know what will.

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2 Responses to “Uncomfortably Numb”

  1. Just make sure your chin doesn’t fall off, I reckon. Or any other body part. That’s plenty to keep a person occupied.

    (I’m back in NZ now, sorry didn’t see more of you)

  2. 2trees Says:

    Don’t worry about “what if’s”. I had to wait for 15 minutes, with all the mother stabbers and father rapist’s on the “group W” bench, at Heathrow while they checked my story of having “previous history with the home office”, tense I tell ya (actually that happened every time I went to an airport for two years after) but I still got in.

    Also if you have the means to leave the country and the tax payer doesn’t pay it, you are not deemed deported and can go back. Actually the hardest place I had to get into was wellington airport in 06. Man just missed out on that cavity search.

    Also as long as it doesn’t rain, those clouds will move on. Hold on and stay strong. In my experience doing something, anything (especially something you enjoy), is better than sitting idle worrying and letting the weight get larger. But then, when you are under that weight, you don’t feel like moving. Email me if ya need to get moving.

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