Liveblogging: A Slow Car Crash Down Under

The red and blue balloons are out, the anchor men are wearing smugness like Old Spice and Nigel Roberts has been dusted off – it must be election night in Aotearoa.

For those of you playing along at home, there are several ways to keep a track of the NZ General Election online. Both TV3 and TVNZ have livestreams of their coverage (3News is being a bit shit for my Mac so I’m restricted to TVNZ). There’s also Elections New Zealand for simple results along with the remainder of the print media …

08.54 GMT
I’m a bit late to the party, but hey, it looks like I’m not missing much … as any child could predict New Zealand is making a shift to the Right, just because they can. Ugh.

09.05 GMT
TVNZ are projecting (they’ve been listening to Wolf Blitzer) a National win with 2/3 of the vote counted.
National – 69, Labour – 53 and Winston is behind in his own electorate by 10,000 seats … TVNZ seem to be making a big deal out of Winston losing his electorate seat but seeing he lost it to Bob Clarkson last election, I can’t see what the fuss is.

09.15 GMT
Oh god, TVNZ are getting excited about crossing live to Peter Dunne … for those of you unfamiliar with the member for Ohariu, imagine Rhys Darby’s Murray from the Flight of the Conchords t.v. series and now realise that that’s exactly what Peter Dunne is like … I’m not kidding – any New Zealander can back me up …

09.18 GMT
Winston Peters is giving his concession speech for Tauranga … anyone else sound like he’s ready to retire from it all? Winston is out of it completely, NZ First don’t look like they’ll be crossing the 5% threshold to get a seat in parliament.

09.20 GMT
this is not the end … oh bugger … that was just my wishful thinking then.

09.45 GMT
Oh NZ, what have you done? Did you not heed my cry for light anarchy (like normal anarchy but with less sugar and more melamine-laced artificial sweetener)?

We all knew it was going to be a National win tonight – I said it would be back in 2005, I also recall saying to a lot of people that we were heading for global recession then too but as I wasn’t blogging then you’ll have to take my word for it (or you can ask Mum, my then boyfriend David Lawrence or Malcolm Murray who was sitting with me at the Downstage election party that night while I geeked out with a calculator and WAP access on my mobile) … Labour never had a chance tonight.

09.45 GMT
TVNZ reporter – “I’m right in the media throng” – now let’s get this straight there are two camera ops and about four still cameras … just admit that you’ve been put in someone’s bathroom rather than pretend that there are an awful lot of you.

09.57 GMT
John Key has left his home … apparently Helen Clark has called in to concede the election … it’s all over, officially.

For the Wellingtonians here are the results:
Rongotai – Annette King (L)
Wellington Central – Grant Robertson (L)
Ohariu – Peter Dunne (UF although FU wouldn’t be too bad either)
Mana – Winnie Laban (L)
Rimutaka – Chris Hipkins (L)
Hutt South – Trevor Mallard (L)
Te Tai Tonga – Rahui Katene (M)

10.12 GMT
The first Labour leadership question has been asked and guess who to? Yes. David Cunliffe (scroll down the post to 2.47pm … see?) …

10.25 GMT
Helen speaks …

10.26 GMT
… and concedes

10.31 GMT

My job as leader of the Labour party is complete, I will be standing down and I will be expecting Labour colleagues to elect a Labour leader before Christmas.

10.43 GMT
Well then I’ve already predicted (and been slightly proven right) that David Cunliffe is gunning from the job, who else? Phil Goff has often been putting himself forward; Judith Tizard is an electorate MP only, and having lost her seat (farewell Associate Minister of the Arts – thanks for all of your hardwork) so no chance for her; Michael Cullen?

10.50 GMT
Prime Minister – elect, John Key enters party headquarters …

11.05 GMT
The first thing John Key needs to do is get himself a better speechwriter:

Today New Zealand has spoken in their hundreds of thousands across the country they have voted for change and I can tell you there will be a new National led government in New Zealand

3 years of this? Christ! And what, Johnny boy, are the best bits about New Zealand?

Our capacity to produce food, our landscapes and scenery and most of all our kiwi ingenuity …

And the commentators are calling this a good speech? Seriously?

Could someone with more than a New Zealand passport marry me? Please?

11.10 GMT
That’s it, I’m going to drown my inevitable sorrows in alcohol and then maybe get out of bed and have a shower … maybe not …

So ends 12 months of me following two election campaigns, one whose outcome I hoped against hope for and the other, an inevitable and bitter end that I braced myself for. I’m sure the incoming National Government will provide me with plenty of satire fodder for the next few years as will the leadership race in Labour – but for now, I’ll sign off (and hunt out those green card and visa application forms) …

Good night New Zealand, you may as well drink up large, the ensuing hangover may make you feel better. Farewell Winston, as much as I disliked you, politics will never be quite the same without you. G’day London, who wants to meet me for a commiseration drink … or 50?

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5 Responses to “Liveblogging: A Slow Car Crash Down Under”

  1. Good ol’ Wellington.

  2. The party vote was mostly to the left too save Wellington Central and Ohariu whose majority party vote went to National …

    Anyone looking for the full results for each electorate can check them out here

  3. drinking accomplished

    or accom-pished

  4. I wish NZers would stop pretending we really buy into this whole left or right nonsense. It’s personality poltics and policy all the way – that’s why I still think MMP is a good idea!

    As for your marriage question? I am well up for it…

  5. That makes it even worse! Personality politics and all New Zealand can produce is a choice between Helen Clark and John Key?

    I guess that’s why we settled on our islands as the North Island and the South Island … we be an imaginative bunch.

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