Liveblogging: Britain’s Got Talent Final

Why, Sonal, why, why, why?

I don’t know, well, I do know – I’m at Mama’s house and Maya’s obsessed with it (yes you are, girl, don’t deny it) … so no Doctor Who tonight (no matter, I’ll just watch it the way I have been in NZ) …

What’s up for grabs?
A performance for the Queen Prince Charles (wow, that made the award so more prestigious) at the Royal Variety Blah Blah (yeah, I can’t quite believe they still do these) …

6.55pm
First up are a couple of moppets called the Cheeky Monkeys dancing along to that chorus number at the end of Grease, with plenty of balloons but sadly sans flying car. Judges are gushing, because they’re moppets and moppets must be gushed upon as this is WHOLESOMEFAMILYENTERTAINMENT.

7.05pm
The singing plumber – oh no, he’s singing Imagine and quietly mangling it – somewhere in Wapping a little Louise weeps (he gets throughly ripped up by the judges) …

Meanwhile, back in Birmingham, a little Sonal weeps:

Maya: That’s a nice song. What is it?
Sonal: Imagine.
Maya: Who sings it?
Sonal: John Lennon.
Maya: Who’s that?

Sonal: *headdesk* Oh god, you’ve just made me feel old. This is so going in my blog …
Maya: I like Hotstepper, that’s old!

7:14pm
Um … so the next act is a dog and woman who dance together. “This dog is taking no prisoners, she’s here to win” – Simon Cowell … er … there are dogs taking prisoners? On their own? With little tasers and handcuffs?

So dog jumps over stick, and … sorry, how did this get to the final?

Once again, the judges gush because animals are WHOLESOMEFAMILYENTERTAINMENT …

7.20pm
We now have a street dance crew – ok, for all my snarkiness, these guys are actually very good. Damn good. So instead …

Why the hell is Prime doing a New Zealand version of this? Really? What for? Christmas in the Park? Isn’t bad enough that we’ve now got our own version of Stars in their Eyes (which I bet TVNZ is counting as part of their Charter Programming).

I can’t believe you’re liveblogging this …
Not everything can be about uninformed political views.

So how do they win this anyway?
Phone votes … which they charge for …

7.30pm
Two martial arts lads that do flips, jumps and the lot to music. Meh … I mean, obviously I clearly couldn’t do it, but … meh …

7.37pm
Moppet Act 2. The Moppet who sings Opera (and one day may grow up into Moppet who makes an arse of himself thanks to the perils of childhood operatic voice fame, or Moppet who marries his considerably older manager, or WHOLESOMEMOPPET, which they are all banking on) … Of course those moppets didn’t have to worry about their voice breaking …

7.48pm
The too old to be a moppet, but too young to be an adult … ah, even better, troubled youth who was rejected from last year and proclaims that if he wins tonight it will “save his life” … golly. Kid is a street dancer and a good one at that.

7.55pm
Yoof who sings Opera 2. Bet you Simon Cowell has already signed her up for her first record deal …

In other news – Ice on Mars (maybe)!

Ice on Mars?
What? I’m allowed to geek out on a arbitrary basis. It’s cool!

8.08pm
Last two acts – first up is an all female string quartet along the lines of Vanessa Mae (for those who remember her) or Bond. These ladies are making classical music cool! How? By … um … wearing tight, short, red dresses, stiletto heels and pumping through bass heavy, synthesiser filled, casiotone drum machine backing music through the speakers and playing over the top … *sigh* yes, I’ll stop being the grinch … soon …

They are so going to win this tonight.

8.13pm
The one this household has been waiting for – the brownz (their proper name is Signature, but everyone refers to them as the brownz). Two guys, one who dances like Michael Jackson and his mate who dances Bhangra.

The song is a mash of Billie Jean with the bass line from Under Pressure (no I’m not going to tell Maya that, because when she asks me who David Bowie and Freddy Mercury are, I will just cry … I’m turning 30 soon, I don’t need this right now) and then a Bhangra piece that I don’t know the name of. The judges are dancing along and praising the WHOLESOMEETHNICFAMILYENTERTAINMENT (also known as haven’twecomefarBritain?). Ok to be fair, they were quite good and not quite the one trick pony I had made them out to be – this piece is certainly better than their semi final effort (which Jaina and I only managed to get halfway through because it was dull) mostly because they crossed over the choreography rather than just sticking to their individual specialities.

8.25pm
Voting begins … see you in an hour

9.30pm
And we’re back! Cue graphics of circus acts … wait, there weren’t any circus acts! Where are my damn circus acts?

Oh and it’s still another 15 minutes until they close the phone lines and probably another 15 minutes to tally the votes (I’m sure ITV don’t want to be hit by yet another phone in scandal) so in the meantime here’s a lengthy greatest hits montage, starting with the obligatory ‘lets laugh at the crazy, deluded people who think they have talent’ to the finalists …

9.45pm
The phone lines are closed and we get treated to a dramatically scored montage of what performing at the Royal Variety Blah Blah will mean to them … apparently they think it will be life changing … someone better have a wee, gentle chat to them, before they get disappointed.

9.50pm
Top three … pause … pause … pause … the brownz. Joining them will be … pause … pause … the first Moppet who sings Opera, and pause … pause … pause, oh, boy was I wrong – the last one is yoof, BGT saved my life street dancer. Bye bye red dress quartet.

9.52pm
Third place is – Moppet who sings Opera

And the winner?

9.53pm
BTG saved his life and made him a winner … aw, he’s in shock and bawling … in the background, the stage crew grumpily come out lay down the floor and rerig the wet set … lad is dancing the set of his life – damn!

It’s all over, finally … until … the numbers to apply for next year are at the end of the show, the call should last no longer than two minutes …

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5 Responses to “Liveblogging: Britain’s Got Talent Final”

  1. Lordy, can we wait until we see what talent little ol’ Aotearoa throws up (and I mean that literally)? What happens to the people after the show? It will be True Bliss all over again! Does that show my age??

  2. What’s a moppet?

    I was at the Fifa u-17 Women’s World Cup draw last night and one of the performers was apparently the next Hayley Westenra. She sang a duet (that famous one from Aida(?) with the 2 chicks – Thelma and Sulami did it at our prizegiving) with a backing track. Interesting choice I thought.

  3. moppet = child … usually of the sickly sweet, ain’t I adorable, species …

  4. We all cried with joy at George winning.

    Can’t even talk about The Worst John Lennon Cover Ever In The History Of The World (Including All Karaoke Covers Done In Private Booths Throughout The World).

    I have to point out that the one thing you didn’t consider when saying that the Electric Quartet would win is that they are obviously posh girls and the voting audience is not posh. If they’d have won it would have totally undermined the entire point of the contest.

    I was very happy with the top three and the ranking of the top 3 (opera singing girl and posh quartet will already be in the recording studios)… but very disappointed that they did the rankings rather than just picking the winner. I don’t like seeing downtrodden unpopular boys crying on tv when all the favourtism and pressure comes to nothing.

  5. PS I think you also may have forgotten to look at Strike’s bodies when considering their performance. In Britain it is very important to take all opportunities for reverse objectification with both hands, as it is only a 0.001% chance that it’ll be men displayed in an oglable fashion.

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