What the Hell is Going On?

Yes, it’s more than being busy … I’ve been avoiding you. I open my laptop every morning and stare at the screen, finding ways to avoid communication with the outside world.

Where to start?

Well, if you’ve seen me this last week you may have an inkling of where my head is at. Those of you who have seen me in passing have commented on how tired I look this week and I’ve smiled through slightly gritted teeth and have said ‘yes, I’m just very tired’.

Confession time.

I am tired, but it isn’t for lack of sleep. The last three weeks have been an absolute struggle as I wrestle with how I actually feel about some things to how I’ve ended up presenting them in the world – and it’s driving me mad.

I learnt something new about the creative process over the last few weeks … firstly, collaborating with the help of the interwebs does not work. Well, it might, if your collaborators are as web savvy as you are (not that I am, but compared to some of my creative friends …). So with that in mind, the next thing I’ve learned is – can’t leave town and still work on a show. Nope. Can’t create one (as no one answers emails), can’t keep track on what happens to the show when your out of town (as no one emails to tell you how it’s going) and apparently can’t seem to help when the company has a panic over stuff (as no one emails to tell you that either). What does happen is that you get written out of the very show you conceived back in October (the one email I did receive) and it entirely changes into something unrecognisable.

Oh the things we learn. [Update: Yes, I handled this completely the wrong way. My unreserved and deepest apologies to all concerned]

Look, I have been pissed to high heaven about this for the last three weeks and then when I got up this morning, I could not take it any more. There is a hell of a lot going on here in Wellington. Some of it tied up with the show, some of it to do with the attitudes of Wellington (since when did my home town and home theatre industry become so bitter?) and some of it to do with feeling like an outsider in my own country (do we hate success so much that we have to prove we know more by being snide towards those who are genuinely successful and talented? I’m not talking about myself, by the way.).

No, I take that back, a lot of the feeling has to do with Wellington. I feel like my energy and joy is being sucked out of me as I come across people arguing the same arguments, passionately discussing the need for changes that they have been for the last three years and no one doing anything about it. Since when did Wellingtonians tread lightly with their opinions? Since when did we shy away from politics? What has happened to my home town?

So, I got in the car and with the help of a bit of Lupe Fiasco, Supergroove and a beautiful sunny drive around the coast of the eastern suburbs I sang out my lungs and thought:

Fuck this, fuck Wellington, fuck New Zealand. I am NOT going to let you bring me down. No fucking way, no fucking how. I’ve worked so hard at stopping my bitterness, I’ve found a new way and I’m going to keep being positive, I’m going to keep fighting the good fight, I will fight without heed, without caution, without care to the wind, I will fight with the naivety of youth, with the idiocy of the unenlightened and with all the strength I have within me. This is my home town, I will not give up on it. I will not give up on myself.

Batten down the hatches – a storm is coming.

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3 Responses to “What the Hell is Going On?”

  1. FUCKING AYE!!!

    *high fives*

  2. Oh chick, that sucks – to be cut out of the process. I’m a bit leery of the whole devised thing anyway…

    Maybe it is the weather in Wellies because I’ve been plagued with self doubt and feeling a bit bluethis week; so I welcome your storm. Nothing like a good Southerly to make this place sparkly and new again.

  3. hugs, for what that’s worth

    also: YES.

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