War is Peace

Helping to turn the world blind one spiteful eye at a time, four former defence chiefs and … er … one accomplished organist (oh, ok, he’s a former chief of staff and a General, but I can’t seem to find out much more about him) have reported to NATO:

The first use of nuclear weapons must remain in the quiver of escalation as the ultimate instrument to prevent the use of weapons of mass destruction

Uh … sorry?

Apparently these five fellas (who I can’t seem to eek any info about off Google at the moment) are advocating, and the Guardian couldn’t say it better, “pre-emptive nuclear attack”. Because, you know, the world is a dangerous place and:

the west’s values and way of life are under threat, but the west is struggling to summon the will to defend them.

What? My ability to buy, buy, buy while I also borrow, borrow, borrow (while also being unable to pay, pay, pay) is under threat?

Oh sorry, shit, you mean, freedoms of speech, religion, expression and assembly is under threat … of course, sorry, my bad … clearly bombing the shit out of the nations that threaten our way of life pre-emptively is going to bring everyone around to our way of thinking. You know, no resentment at all, or young children vowing to avenge the deaths of their fathers or anything … I see the genius in your plan – kill the whole family, children, babies and all in one go … how did I miss that? Military tactics at their most brilliant and economical. Clearly by these actions everyone will know ‘West is Best’ – yeah, you can use that slogan.

Putting these trigger happy boys in men’s uniforms to one side, let’s remind ourselves of nations who currently hold nuclear weapons:

Ah yes, the proud parent of Little Boy and Fat Man … you remember them don’t you? Devastated two cities in Japan, killed thousands of people not only instantly but, due to radiation poisoning, also slowly and painfully over many years …

The colonial rulers of French Polynesia who find that the best way to enjoy the beautiful seas, golden beaches and virginal forests of the Pacific, is to nuke the shit out of it … no we haven’t forgotten the Rainbow Warrior either

The UK

Oh well, these guys are clearly stable, I mean, it’s not like their in some sort of escalating diplomatic dispute involving allegations of ex Russian spies being poisoned in public areas on British soil or the Director of the British Council in Russia being detained and interrogated … oh, wait … Also, Russia have these wee little neighbours call Chechenya … Russia is like their big friendly brother …


This is easier to do by numbers, let’s see … 1947 (obviously); 1965; 1971; oh and the huge my dick nuclear missile is bigger than your dick nuclear missile posturing in 1998.

Or as the Tibetans and Taiwanese call them – “the good guys” …

Oh, well, they’re not trigger happy at all. Never. They have a particular talent for fence building … it’s all about keeping the nukes safe … not that they will confirm or deny that they have any … it doesn’t make their neighbours who currently don’t have any nuclear weapons nervous at all, does it Iran and Syria? Guys? Guys?

North Korea
Axis of Evil? It’s just a pet name, isn’t it? Isn’t it. Oh yes you are! Yes you are … aww … it just peed on my leg … isn’t it sweet?

Giving NATO the ability to attack with nuclear weapons pre-emptively and without the authorisation of the UN Security Council is going to totally put off other nations from doing it themselves, right? If NATO sets the precedent, it’s not like anyone else is going to follow or want nuclear weapons themselves … of course not.

I feel so much safer already. Really I do.


One Response to “War is Peace”

  1. Hey, but think on the bright side! We’ll be able to increase our consumer rights (ie bank balance) by selling the all-important ability to marry a New Zealander and emigrate to the country that might (just might) last approximately one day longer than the rest of the world when the nukes hit the fan. I mean, think of the pretty dresses and jewellery we could buy in which to experience apocalypse.

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