Flip Flop

Ah, well, so … I feel I should do a little explaining.

Remember, about a month or so back, where I was waiting for the Central Line at Barkingside, I waxed lyrical about my heart being healed and feeling good about going home?

I’m not so sure about the going home bit. Now before you have any flashes of concern, the heart bit is fine. The heart bit is perfectly fine – in fact I’m as happy as I have ever been. Really. I’m pretty much up there with the day I bought my first pair of Docs (cherry red) and broke them in by climbing up a tree to chop it down followed by a well deserved drink out on the balcony watching the sun set and listening to the cricket on my headphones. But this time there’s not one particular moment of pure content and happiness, I’m just happy and content almost all of the time in general. Yeah, sickening isn’t it? The writing is going well, I’m feeling inspired, I’ve got a show on in the Comedy Festival in Wellington next year (6 – 10 May at BATS … haven’t quite got the name for it yet … we’ll get there …), I’m getting my podcasting stuff ready for a launch next year … I’m feeling young, free, engergetic and incredibly happy to be without ties to anyone.

I’m still very happy to be out of London and I’m really excited about the new show and podcasts … all of that hasn’t changed. Being happy about going home has. I know, I know, I have already said that it was only temporary and that I’m heading State-side in 2009 for a bit … but even that feels too far away. Before I left London a friend seeded the idea of teching a show with him in NZ and maybe, if he was still interested, teching the Edinburgh leg in August … and now that Louise managed to secure tickets to Radiohead (my favourite band, ever) in Glasgow, who are playing on … my 30th birthday*, yes the actual day … not to mention the experience of driving through Glen Coe … I’ve been thinking of perhaps going back to Edinburgh, trying to secure as many gigs as possible as a tech, writing/broadcasting in the perfect time zone to be ahead of the NZ news, in a city that would be brand new and, well, friendlier.

And what of home? I’m reluctant to be there. I’m not running away from anything – I don’t really care about those things anymore (thanks Fate!), I just think that I’m going to get bored, that I’m afraid of falling into old habits and people’s expectations/boxes of me or my personality, of not being this kick arse woman I have become over the last year. With respect to those who are still in the industry at home, I also think that I’m going to feel frustrated and uninspired being back in that fold again, inside but on the wrong inside, outside and banging my head against the wall while wondering if there’s any point in doing all of this – there’s a particular website that I’ve stopped reading/contributing to because of this very reason – the negativity and old ruts that seem to exist feel suffocating even with whole continents between us … my writing is better on the outside at the moment. Here I have no distractions.

Of course things can change in a week. I had a job interview with the public service at home, but I’m yet to hear anything. If I get the job, it will change everything. If not, then come end of May, I could be heading on a plane northwards once more.

Flip flop, flop flip, flip flop …

*Ah yeah, so those plans keep changing too – at this point, if I’m in Wellington, I’m renting a place in the Wairarapa that weekend and we will party, if I’m in Scotland I’m hiring a place near the beach (not sure which one yet) and we will party. Either way, party.

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5 Responses to “Flip Flop”

  1. You have found a rare productive groove, a way of being that is working for you. Hold on to that. Build your return to Wellington around it. This is what becoming fully yourself is all about – knowing what you must hold to, and being prepared to sacrifice, to fight, to discard old ways in order to keep it.

    Your fears of falling back into old ways are real. But you have all the equipment you need to avoid this: your awareness of the risks, and your belief in the value of what you are doing now. Come back here as a warrior. Be exactly what you must be.

    (All that aside, Edinburgh is a wonderful city, and I long to return there myself.)

  2. Understand the fear of the Wellington rut – BUT maybe you’ll be the force to blast other people out of it?! Especially as you have plans to Be Elsewhere in 2009.

    Hilarious if you end up getting the NZ public service and find yourself working with HMB…

  3. You’re both right, of course … we’ll see what happens after I hear back about this job.

    I’ll know for sure once I’m back in Wellington and around folks again. As I said, it can all change in minutes …

  4. In a purely selfish comment, you should totally come to Radiohead in Glasgow. Because going up in a car that you would be driving is way cooler than catching a train.

  5. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m definitely coming to Radiohead … but I’ll be coming over from Edinburgh so will still be on a train …

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