The New Immigration Bill (Or Your Complete Guide to Getting Deported) – Pt 2: Ingredients

Ah yes, this is the FUN bit of the new Immigration Bill to show that NZ also take border security seriously (although we’re not completely straight laced – we do like to put our bio-security at risk every now and then because as a nation who relies strongly on our agricultural industry, we like to live on the edge …)

For your deportation you will need either:

a)A criminal conviction. Meh, too much effort … If you were planning on using this method to get deported, you clearly have way too much time on your hands … and you’re possibly a very angry, angry person, you should probably see someone about that …

or

b)To have been deported from another country. This is especially for those of you who like to collect stamps in your passport but don’t want the hassle of actually seeing a country. If you are hoping to become one of the elite deportees then I cannot highly recommend enough the Lonely Planet’s guidebook “Detention Centres on a Shoestring”.

or

c) Seem likely that you will commit an imprisonable offence in NZ. This one is a touch tricky. With a long history of international con men ripping off your average NZ pensioner, wearing a suit, a slick haircut and all the gold plundered from the Incan empire is not going to cut it. Perhaps consider wearing an orange jumpsuit, maybe a t-shirt which says “convict”, or even handcuffs. Come to think of it, handcuffs could be your best bet. You don’t even need to worry about getting them through check in. Once onboard the flight, get riotously drunk on the free booze, start dancing in the aisles and I’m sure the air stewards will have you cuffed to your seat soon enough. Don’t get too carried away so that you have to visit the toilets often, you may just end up getting the whole plane turned around and yourself a new ticket to the black holes of detention centres – Guantanamo. You can check out anytime you like …

or

d) Are able to be considered a threat or risk, by the Minister, (he has his own cape and theme song) to NZ security, the public order or public interest. Er … try and look rebellious?

or

e) Are a member of terrorist entity as designated by the Terrorism Suppression Act 2002. So, if you are of a certain ethnicity, you may find it a bit easier than others. Practice the shifty eye, growly face look, maybe work on the sweaty palms (in other words, catch the flu before you board your flight, that way you can be a bio-hazard too) … maybe grow a beard, develop an accent not of the European shores and if all else fails, carry some fruit with a framed photo of your favourite dictator …

or

f) Be unlawfully in New Zealand. Now this is the easy one, because according to the Bill you can be unlawfully within New Zealand without even knowing it! I know! Or rather, I don’t know! Particularly handy if you’re someone like me who leaves it all to the last minute and then tries to pull an all nighter and write that really insightful essay on the conflation of the Henry VI texts in performance which you started earnestly four months ago collating tables of where lines had been cut in comparision to four different productions and then left it to the side as you were well ahead of yourself when you had only written about 400 words on the actual essay, now you’ve got 3,600 words to go, it’s 4am, class starts in 10 hours … oh, oops got a bit distracted … where were we? Ah yes, unlawful. There are a few ways to do this, the easiest being to over stay your visa – sample the delights of New Zealand and hope that immigration will catch up with you. Alternately, don’t have a visa at all. For all of you budget concious deportees who can’t afford the false passport that will make you unlawful, then swimming to New Zealand from Australia is your best bet. Apparently butterfly stroke is the most demanding so maybe try something a little less strenuous like back stroke. Keep an eye out for sharks and Australian ships carrying nuclear waste to Russia.

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