For My Mother’s Amusement

And yours too … This one popped out while trying to clean up my Outlook files.

I know I’ve been navel gazing a lot of late but I figured I would indulge myself a bit further and present a piece that I started last year and let you laugh along with me (or cringe, I’m swinging between the two right now).

Basically I was sitting at my desk in work, trying to snap myself out of misery and get some work done, I wasn’t doing to well, Waitangi Day was over, Diwali was in early planning stages and I just had too much time on my hands to think about David who I had been bumping into almost every week. So in an act of defiance against my woe, I decided that yes, I was going to have another relationship one day and I was going to make a list. And now for your viewing pleasure and my own self inflicted embarrassment (why do I do this? I really don’t know).

David qualities:
Must like Shakespeare and have a knowledge of it that at the very least equals mine.
Must like theatre both national and international and have a decent enough knowledge of it to discuss and critique.
Must not think that Star Wars and other sci-fi is stupid but instead a bit of fun.
Must like books and second-hand book shopping.
Must be the type of person who would be my best friend.
Not care that I’m not into sports.
Not care that I like trashy films and t.v. and buy DVDs all the time.

AntiDavid qualities
Must enter the relationship open, honest, committed and willing to work on and develop the relationship to be the best that can possibly be.
Must be romantic (i.e. have date nights, go on holidays etc.) and appreciate me.
Must be willing to talk about their feelings/emotions or if they can’t talk to me in times of crisis, seek professional help or talk to a friend who has known them for a long time (longer than I know him).
Must want to share their life (work, family, friends) with me and vice versa.

Other qualities
One or two pieces of hand luggage or a 20kg suitcase is fine. A whole ocean liner of baggage is not.
Must be interested in national and international politics.
Wants to travel the world and try new experiences and food.
Be into my family, traditions, heritage.
Must be my intellectual equal.
Must love, adore and cherish me.

Ah … yeah, I was clearly very, very angry when I wrote this (March/April last year) and I think calling something ‘anti-David’ is a bit mean, I should be better than that but, oh well, that’s what I was feeling at the time. And also, as we have already established many times over, I’m a bit of a geek (I’m sure an appreciation for zombie movies would have been in there had this been written around four months ago) … Oddly enough, of all the things I listed there, I managed to forget the word “respect”.

Right, well let’s throw out the list now. It’s here for our general amusement, but I don’t need it anymore. If anything, I’ve realised that my awesome friends cover all of those needs (possibly not the Shakespeare part but I can geek out on my own, or by blog anyway) – that’s why you guys became my friends in the first place (along with being the obviously cool people that you are). You know what? Whomever I fall for will undoubtedly be a lovely, awesome guy I’m sure and no doubt will love and respect me, because that’s all I really want. I’m lucky to have many very good friends and to want the qualities of all of you in one person is a little unreasonable … yes, if you were all to be one person, I think we can safely say that I’d have the biggest crush in the world on you.

So … er … would you like to do dinner some time?

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2 Responses to “For My Mother’s Amusement”

  1. Funny, because as I read the list I was thinking ‘weeeell, you do have friends for much of this’. I say screw all the listed qualities and just go for someone with a big schlong.

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    That was a joke (obviously).

    The key is definitely the one you noted you’d missed out – someone who respects you won’t screw you around, will want to work on the relationship, will take an interest in your life, background, hobbies, interests, passions, and friends, and will invite you to do the same for them.

  2. I’ve settled on someone who thinks I’m funny. And cute. And vice versa.

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