Throwing in the towel

Yeah, I’m still waiting to hear about another job I’ve applied for (which will take another couple of weeks) but should I not get anywhere there, then it is time to book that flight home.

I can’t even convey to you how frustrating this whole experience has been. On one hand, I love London. It’s a fantastic city: personal anonymity is brilliant (a story for another time); the theatre is so-so but there is so much of it that I can go out to something every night and be inspired; more second-hand bookshops than my heart could possibly desire; I love my canal walks into the city; Cambridge, Edinburgh, Venice, Rome – so easy to get to from here; so many of my very good friends live here and I’ve made some wonderful new friends who I’d like to get to know better (anyone know how to peer pressure people into blogging?).

BUT and it is a but that deserves to be in capitals, in order to do many of these things, I need money. I could just stay and take a temping job but it just isn’t enough to do anything other than survive and frankly, if I’m going to be in London and yet not be able to do the things I really want, then there is no point in being here. Experiencing life in a city as a worker bee is exactly the same as doing it at home, even when I was working for the Evil Empire, I could have easily have been in Lambton Quay. I’m not experiencing London, I’m just surviving it. That said, just surviving would be perfectly fine if I was doing something that I love, we’ll know soon whether that will be the case or not.

I don’t know whether to class this as a failed experiment or not. As I have said to many people over the weeks, this has been a good time creatively for me. I wouldn’t have had the head space at home to work on dirty creatures or even the blog serials, I probably would have been in the throws of Diwali and unable to start looking at material to make a new Untouchables show and I probably wouldn’t have even dared to think about moving into graphic novels (BTW: I can’t draw to save myself, anyone want to collaborate with me?) or podcasting (again, any recommendations on easy to use sound editing software) if I hadn’t come here and made all of those breaks from responsibility at home. Creatively, it’s been a bit of a bonanza and in that respect, I’m ready to start doing. I guess that means the trip has been a success, just not in the way I thought it would be originally.

Home will be interesting. The last time I flew in, I wasn’t happy to see the place, I had just spent some brilliant weeks in Singapore and India, hanging out with family, making new friends, reconnecting with old ones and I knew as the plane flew past my house that the lightness of it all was going to crumble. Of course, those of you who were around at the time, or have been following the blog for a while know that I had hoped against hope and that I was coming home to the inevitable, my relationship was over. I knew, I think I knew long before I believed it would happen. And the first thing I wanted to do, was turn around and get back on that plane. Some months later, I did, with the idea that I was going to go and live the life I was going to before David was in it. Of course, it turns out, I never really gave up any of my life for him when we were together, and that really is a comfort, I never lost myself as I thought I had. But I guess sometimes you have to travel a long way before you realise these things.

So what next? Well, I’m moving flats to a place in Mile End for a bit while I wait to hear if I’ve even got an interview for these jobs (pick me, pick me, I’m AWESOME) and if nothing positive happens (and as I was just about to hit publish, I’ve got an interview at the Barbican – pick me, pick me, I’m AWESOME), then it will probably be a one way ticket home for the summer, before deciding what to do next. Singapore is still on the horizon (babies to help bring up) as is the theatre I’m going to open – the time seems to be ready for that one, so I may just leap in and finally do it. London will always be here and it’s not like I won’t ever be coming back … if I’m very fortunate then maybe I’ll be lucky enough to tour here with a show, now wouldn’t that be a fine thing?


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