Navel gazing

I’m 29.

This time last year I was celebrating the end to being 27, possibly one of the most traumatic years of my life (which I had originally thought was going to be the best). New adventures lay ahead of me as I presided over a plate of spicy seaweed at Big Thumb, surrounded by beautiful people who made me laugh for the first time in six months.

29 has snuck up on me, very quietly, in fact I almost forgot it was my birthday this week.

This is possibly the fifth time I’ve tried to write a sentence to explain how I’m feeling right now – it’s somewhere between ambivalence and a feeling that my life is on hold. It’s odd and frustrating all at once. I know that my London experience is a big part of this feeling. The fact that I haven’t managed to get a job in my field has been pull-my-hair-out-frustrating and I don’t know if the problem is me or the visa (my flat situation really hasn’t helped matters either). The life on hold thing is a new one, probably tied with wanting to be in Singapore with the kids and actually only wanting to do theatre now – which is a bit easier to do at home for obvious reasons. Everyone seems to have a grown up life except for me, is that what is bugging me? I throw my hands up in the air and will admit to you now – I don’t know what it is, I just feel like I’m waiting in my own interminably long Beckett play for one.

In fairness, this past year has also been about healing. After being one half of a couple for almost four years, I had to remember what it was to be just me again, I had to let go of the plans I had laid out for my joint future and also to learn to abandon my anger (I know that I am never going to get the apology I want). More importantly (well I think so anyway) I’m starting to learn, that it’s possible that I may fall in love again, one day. Of course, being attracted to someone and actually falling in love has many miles in between but at least I can see a road now and that’s something. A quick thanks to the real (yet forever anonymous – you will never know who you are) and not so real (ok fictional) men who have revealed this to me. Whenever that day comes, I hope I meet a guy like you.

So on with the future – let’s see where this new year is going to take me …

Which reminds me, should things work out, should Fate play my way, I hope to be living in Singapore by the time I turn 30. If that’s the case, then I invite you all (yes, that includes you too, Tamasha) to join me for an afternoon on Sentosa Island on the sand playing beach games and late into the evening, sitting in Clarke Quay eating satay and drinking beer – or something like that anyway (we’ll do other things too to make the long trip worth while). Even if it doesn’t happen and I’m in Wellington (or somewhere else) we’ll find something equally cool to do – I can dream, right?

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5 Responses to “Navel gazing”

  1. Clare Kerrison Says:

    Happy Birthday beautiful. We miss you. Love from the BATS crew.

  2. Happy birthday Sonal.

  3. Aw, shucks, thank you … I’m still wondering if I meant to be a grown up now … I sure don’t feel like one!

  4. Happy birthday S. Look forward to seeing you in Singapore (I assume the invitation is extended to non-Londoners?)

  5. JP, if you’re not at my 30th … well, you don’t want to know the sort of torture I will put you through (ok, kidding because it is a touch costly so you don’t have to come)

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